Almost all of my close friendships and relationships have been with men. All different kinds of men - well-behaved, anxious guys, unemployed men with no intentions of ever living independently, womanizers, asexuals, wealthy men, drug dealers, ex-cons, entire bands, artists, tech nerds, feminine men, and the picture of macho. The two people I know in real life who I've invested the most emotion in other than my child are also men - my husband, and my father. Men generally feel very comfortable talking to me about anything from their day to their sexual hangups. Often in the same conversation. I can roll with those punches.
The one man who won't talk to me is the one I married. For the longest time - about 5 years - I've wondered why guys everywhere adore me unless they're my husband. His eyes do not light up when I wear my nicest outfits, revealing or not. Our physical contact consists of mostly side-hugs. Our conversations consist of our disapproval of his work schedule and talking about our kid. At best, it's just me telling a grown man that if he doesn't pick up after himself, his shit shall be in the trash. Or at best, it's me preventing utter disaster.
He never really saw the version of me that most men see and interact with. When we met, both of us were marriage-minded so we saw each other through the "potential spouse" lens. We had similar family goals, and he wanted to work and I wanted to work from home to focus on writing and being a mother. He could see me as a Wife.
I'm not bashing him for this. I'm not bashing him at all. But he was missing so, so much about my personality by using that lens. And much of what makes me the me people love are traits he wanted annihilated immediately. There are things about me he may never get a chance to know because he sees the version of me opposite what my adorers see. I'm their Anti-Wife.
What it means to be an Anti-Wife is to accidentally be what men really want. The Anti-Wife isn't a household prop. The Anti-Wife doesn't nag. The Anti-Wife listens freely to conversations about sex, and participates in these conversations without shame. She encourages you to take another shot instead of making you walk on eggshells about it. She sets up nights with the boys. And she may even have ideas more fun than yours. She's not after anything you have, and she's not giving away anything but brainwaves. The Anti-Wife wears what she wants, and wearing what she wants means plenty of skin and just enough makeup to keep you dying for a few seconds of eye contact, since she's sporting one of the worlds rarest eye colors.
The Anti-Wife has nothing to lose when you're manic and spending money and flattery like both fall out of the sky into your lap. She's the best person to go to in a depressive episode, too, since she knows what not to say because you've heard it millions of times before. Misery loves company, and the Anti-Wife is the perfect companion for the miserable because she's upbeat and even prophetic at your conjoined lowest points.
The Anti-Wife will scheme with you. If you've got insomnia, you know she's probably awake, and by dawn you'll have devised 3 very plausible, ethically questionable ways to get rich. Or famous. Or revenge. She enjoys these conversations, and you can tell, and it keeps you coming back. And you even find yourself having mad respect for this lady.
You might even respect your Anti-Wife so much you read her books and find out she wasn't exaggerating when she said she loves to write. You may even find yourself buying her art.
When you've destroyed your life due to bad decisions, and you tell her all about it, she nods understandingly and reminds you of why it will eventually be totally worth it.
Her life won't be destroyed by any of your destruction, so she's at liberty to be herself and not the single voice of reason for an entire family. Because you, non-husband, have not put me in the role of being the one thing that keeps three lives from detonating. You, non-husband, are simply happy to have my company and my words. You, non-husband, have left more room for growth in our relationship than my husband did from the moment he clicked on my dating profile. When I talk to you, non-husband, it's not often my child, home, and life hanging in the balance. It's just talk.
Will the man who decided to become my Husband, which is a coveted position according to many men to whom I am the Anti-Wife, ever open his eyes wide enough to love me? I'm not holding my breath...but I'm not holding back, either. I don't need validation that the dishes were put away or that my cooking is good or that I'm a loving mom, because I already know those things. I'm not a list of everything wrong with you, Husband, and I don't know why you chose to become a list of everything that sounds like the word Drudgery. The woman other men see is far closer to reality than the collection of menial chores that my husband sees when he looks at me. If he could see me, maybe like the others do, he would care about my happiness. He could see all that and more, if only I were his Anti-Wife.
Dizzy
The one man who won't talk to me is the one I married. For the longest time - about 5 years - I've wondered why guys everywhere adore me unless they're my husband. His eyes do not light up when I wear my nicest outfits, revealing or not. Our physical contact consists of mostly side-hugs. Our conversations consist of our disapproval of his work schedule and talking about our kid. At best, it's just me telling a grown man that if he doesn't pick up after himself, his shit shall be in the trash. Or at best, it's me preventing utter disaster.
He never really saw the version of me that most men see and interact with. When we met, both of us were marriage-minded so we saw each other through the "potential spouse" lens. We had similar family goals, and he wanted to work and I wanted to work from home to focus on writing and being a mother. He could see me as a Wife.
I'm not bashing him for this. I'm not bashing him at all. But he was missing so, so much about my personality by using that lens. And much of what makes me the me people love are traits he wanted annihilated immediately. There are things about me he may never get a chance to know because he sees the version of me opposite what my adorers see. I'm their Anti-Wife.
What it means to be an Anti-Wife is to accidentally be what men really want. The Anti-Wife isn't a household prop. The Anti-Wife doesn't nag. The Anti-Wife listens freely to conversations about sex, and participates in these conversations without shame. She encourages you to take another shot instead of making you walk on eggshells about it. She sets up nights with the boys. And she may even have ideas more fun than yours. She's not after anything you have, and she's not giving away anything but brainwaves. The Anti-Wife wears what she wants, and wearing what she wants means plenty of skin and just enough makeup to keep you dying for a few seconds of eye contact, since she's sporting one of the worlds rarest eye colors.
The Anti-Wife has nothing to lose when you're manic and spending money and flattery like both fall out of the sky into your lap. She's the best person to go to in a depressive episode, too, since she knows what not to say because you've heard it millions of times before. Misery loves company, and the Anti-Wife is the perfect companion for the miserable because she's upbeat and even prophetic at your conjoined lowest points.
The Anti-Wife will scheme with you. If you've got insomnia, you know she's probably awake, and by dawn you'll have devised 3 very plausible, ethically questionable ways to get rich. Or famous. Or revenge. She enjoys these conversations, and you can tell, and it keeps you coming back. And you even find yourself having mad respect for this lady.
You might even respect your Anti-Wife so much you read her books and find out she wasn't exaggerating when she said she loves to write. You may even find yourself buying her art.
When you've destroyed your life due to bad decisions, and you tell her all about it, she nods understandingly and reminds you of why it will eventually be totally worth it.
Her life won't be destroyed by any of your destruction, so she's at liberty to be herself and not the single voice of reason for an entire family. Because you, non-husband, have not put me in the role of being the one thing that keeps three lives from detonating. You, non-husband, are simply happy to have my company and my words. You, non-husband, have left more room for growth in our relationship than my husband did from the moment he clicked on my dating profile. When I talk to you, non-husband, it's not often my child, home, and life hanging in the balance. It's just talk.
Will the man who decided to become my Husband, which is a coveted position according to many men to whom I am the Anti-Wife, ever open his eyes wide enough to love me? I'm not holding my breath...but I'm not holding back, either. I don't need validation that the dishes were put away or that my cooking is good or that I'm a loving mom, because I already know those things. I'm not a list of everything wrong with you, Husband, and I don't know why you chose to become a list of everything that sounds like the word Drudgery. The woman other men see is far closer to reality than the collection of menial chores that my husband sees when he looks at me. If he could see me, maybe like the others do, he would care about my happiness. He could see all that and more, if only I were his Anti-Wife.
Dizzy
