Narcissists. In the last few years, it seems like everyone knows one. It seems like everyone was raised by at least one. And it seems, quite frankly, that if one if not overly fond of a person, it's because the person must be a Narcissist. The word is thrown around with the same hatred and shredded meaning as "trash" but with all the self-victimization as a person being called, with seething hatred, trash. The word's got a bite to it, some sting.
We've been given a free card to just plain hate them.
But what is a Narcissist, and why are they so very terrible? Pathological, long-standing and prevalent Narcissistic behavior is what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Personality Disorders do not go away, but they can be "toned down." It's not vanity, it's not thinking you're fabulous, and it's not even just low empathy. It is destructive. That's why it's in the Cluster B with the other malignant Personality Disorders - the ones that make for a good villain in a thriller or a type you love to hate in a comedy. They're the serial killers, the angels of death, the homewreckers, the train wrecks. Let's look at who else take up the company of the dreaded Narcissist under Cluster B!
We've been given a free card to just plain hate them.
But what is a Narcissist, and why are they so very terrible? Pathological, long-standing and prevalent Narcissistic behavior is what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Personality Disorders do not go away, but they can be "toned down." It's not vanity, it's not thinking you're fabulous, and it's not even just low empathy. It is destructive. That's why it's in the Cluster B with the other malignant Personality Disorders - the ones that make for a good villain in a thriller or a type you love to hate in a comedy. They're the serial killers, the angels of death, the homewreckers, the train wrecks. Let's look at who else take up the company of the dreaded Narcissist under Cluster B!
Cluster B is called the dramatic, emotional, and erratic cluster. It includes:
- Borderline Personality Disorder.
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
- Histrionic Personality Disorder.
- Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Disorders in this cluster share problems with impulse control and emotional regulation.
Not so surprising that the malignant types are grouped together, right? So what does "malignant" mean? "Disposed to cause harm, suffering, or distress deliberately; feeling or showing ill will or hatred." That's not pleasant but, like I said, these are the Personality Disorders that make for what we like to collectively call "evil." The life destroyers. The bringers of the drama. But wait isn't...isn't BORDERLINE just self-injurers who feel sadness and loneliness too intensely? Don't they just have a fear of abandonment? The Mighty told us not to stigmatize Borderline Personality Disorder! They can't help their mental illness-
WAIT RIGHT THERE. So, they cannot help their "mental illness" which is sitting pretty right next to "Anti Social" and "Narcissistic" personality disorders - never mind Histrionic - but the Borderline deserves empathy, care, compassion, and understanding that the Psychopath and Narcissist don't? (If you didn't know, Anti Social is what they DSM calls Psychopaths and has for a very long time.) Let's look at what Borderline Personality Disorder actually consists of, other than alarming suicide attempt rates and putting off therapists from ever wanting to touch the case.
They idealize and devalue the people they get close to from minute to minute. The triangulation that Narcissists and Psychopaths use to keep their victims trapped in a relationship with them? Borderlines do it too, but they do it with a touch of dramatic flare, often in the form of emotionally blackmail over their very own lives. Instead of making their victims feel drawn to them again and bringing about more Oxycontin release, they say things like, "If you leave, I'll kill myself, I hate you, please don't leave."
These are the "psycho girlfriends" of the Personality Disorder world. And unfortunately, it's vastly over-diagnosed in women and missed entirely in men.
I am not here to demonize anyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder but I'm not here to pretend it's the only Disorder on that cluster that deserves human compassion. Narcissists are thought to be formed by childhood neglect and abuse but we don't have a windows worth of light we wish to shine on that disorder. What actually happens to the Narcissist is that they become so terrified of vulnerability, they will do anything to avoid it, whether it's to be covert (think of your "introverted and too sensitive for this world" friend) or to be grandiose and far superior to everyone else (your friend who is never wrong and exaggerated every job title they've held.) And so there has been talk of re-naming it Vulnerability Aversion Disorder.
People don't want them to change it because "a narcissist is a narcissist! A bad person is a bad person!" If the shoe fits, and the old one has holes in it, why can't we just lace that new one up and wear it? When did we collectively decide that someone else's low empathy was an excuse to throw our own empathy out the window, right along with compassion and rational thought? Maybe we want an angry buzzword like "Narcissist." Forget helping the people with the Personality Disorder; we just want someone to hate! And we want it easy. We. Want. Someone. Easy. To Hate.
Are you really going to bully people who are utterly terrified of being vulnerable? Where the Borderline may literally bleed their vulnerability out of their bodies to get their way, the Narcissist will pretend they don't even have blood to get their way. If they have blood, they have a weakness, and who needs that? Who needs to be human? Not the Narcissist, who needs no one.... except for everyone, because despite vulnerability aversion, Narcissists DO require lots of Narcissist supply. They need. Much like the Borderline needs you to stay and needs you to love, the Narcissist needs you to have an opinion about them. Love them, hate them, but do not ignore them. To be ignored is to be raw, like a baby crying and ignored - maybe even for hours, where the pathology began - the birth of that very Narcissist.
Mark Twain wondered who might've been decent enough to ever pray for the Devil. I'm not as brilliant as Twain; I simply wonder who might be decent enough to pray for that neglected infant, even if it's thirty years after the crying came to a bitter end.
Jessica, The Classy Aspie.
