I avoid this topic because emotions aren't my thing. I am a different breed of girl. There are others who are similar, they're scarce, hiding in the dark corners of the world, lonely. Girls who believe in the power of integrity, girls who look nice but don't give it up, girls with hobbies that cause others to think they're crazy, girls who want a guy to ride or die. And those guys are few and far between. I want someone to embrace my normalcy right along with my weird, my light with my darkness. I'm the kind of girl who can be extreme, but will do anything to protect and keep myself and my partner a unit against the world. It's just how my cognitive process is, it's in my DNA, its part of the all-important integrity. Girls like me look normal, we're usually creative, smart, and more often than not, extremely hard to read. People do not comprehend the level of dedication and determination we have towards what or who we want. They see what they want to see and more often than not, they either project themselves onto me or people see me as a shy, weak, victimized little girl.
It is common for males to project the whole "I want a chick who will ride or die with me," and that is socially acceptable. It means they want their woman to be with them through thick and thin, sickness and health, money and no money, emotional strain and happiness. Girls like that, like I said above, are hard to find. And those of us who do exist are chastised for being strong because a strong female is a difficult female. I want a guy [I'm bi but I'm ignoring that right now] who will ride or die, and that's taken to mean I want a guy who will be wrapped around my little finger to do my bidding. This isn't so; I do my own damn bidding. I want to get what I give to you. And I will give a lot, so I know what I deserve. I am strong enough to know what I deserve; I may even be stronger than you and that is fine as long as you respect the fact and won't lash out at me when I have a weakness. When I don't get it, I shut down and become your worst fucking nightmare. I descend further into my mind and the alter ego [of the three I have, Joey, Erika, and Candice] who is best suited for the job will integrate with me to help me deal with it. I can shut off parts of myself and I can flip those parts back on in a split second.
I have dealt with a lot in my life. Abuse, isolation, chronic nightmares just to wake up to a real nightmare, hospitals, jail, death, misdiagnoses and over-medication. Bullying. Eating disorders. I have been stalked. I have had death threat notes left on my windshield. And then they wonder why I have paranoid delusions. I am a self-proclaimed isolationist but that doesn't mean I don't want a partner in crime. That doesn't mean I want to be a criminal or want to be with a criminal - I want someone who will be as dedicated to our unity as I am. The Bible even tells us to become one flesh, and yet the religious boys are not even willing to give their "love" everything they have. The trouble-makers are more dedicated and that is a sad fact. Then there's me, the suffering servant trying to save the unity as if my life depended on it. For me, letting people in is very hard. When I do, they use what information they get about me against me when they have an overly emotional moment against me. And that is the ultimate betrayal
There have been several people who didn't realize what they had until it was not only gone, but were forced to look at the shattered remains of their desolate lives once I was gone. Girls like me don't tend to forgive and forget until we have closure - my form of closure is not a kiss goodbye and a handshake. Oh no. If guys wants a girl to be there for them, help them reach their potential, make sure their emotional needs are cared for, but aren't willing to help me hide a body and protect me if things ever came to that, they need to roll out. I do all I can in a relationship, because I take thems seriously. All I need is a best friend who I have a physical relationship with - and best friends protect eachother from the world. Perhaps men need to be tied to a chair and forced to listen to "Not Gonna Get Us" by t.A.T.u for a few hours. If you want me in a relationship and I make you a top priority, I better be a top fucking priority as well. Or there will be hell to pay.
You get what you give times 3; I'm like walking Karma - you give me pain, I'll give you pain. You give me nothing, I'll give you what emptiness brings. You give me love, I give you love x2. You get to decide the ending. It can be really bad, or it can be the best thing you have ever had. I have very simple needs. Guys want something complicated these days. Use Karma for you, or be an idiot and have it used against you. Good luck.