I have not updated in a very long time; I have been preoccupied. I was writing professionally for a site, which now has most of my old blog posts and a lot of newer content. I also got married and am almost 9 months pregnant. I will be giving birth to a baby girl in just a few weeks. Life has changed a lot, and I cannot wait to not be pregnant anymore and to continue with this new phase.
If you are familiar with my usual content, you know I study personality disorders, especially those in the more dangerous category. In the last 9 months, I have continued to study and write about such, but I have certainly become disenchanted with the individuals themselves. I talk to many. I now understand one reason therapists are not allowed to be "friends" with their patients. When I announced the pregnancy, peoples true colors began to really shine through (as does everyones when there are issues of birth, weddings, death etc) and those with Personality Disorders were no different. Reactions ranged from being annoyed and hateful that I wouldn't be able to donate as much time to them, to asking me why I wasn't going to get an abortion, to concerns about the fact that I wouldn't be thin anymore (and I'm not - I'm huge, but its temporary and it's none of anyones business.) It was a bit frazzling. Most assumed that I was also personality deficit in some way - unable to really be a parent or handle pregnancy. Some of them outright attacked me, or if I expressed annoyance with certain things (like being asked why I didn't get an abortion) the attitude was that I was the one with a personality hangup - not them.
I quickly realized (not that I did not know already) that many Personality Disordered individuals find themselves EXTREMELY FUCKING INTERESTING, especially if they are Cluster B or have paranoid tendencies. They can talk about each tiny detail of their emotional or mental landscape for hours - do not dare try to talk about yourself or they will tell you they are not interested or they will be accusational, projecting their own traits onto you until you just shut up so they can return to talking about themselves. And if you even begin to think about telling them "This is Narcissism, you don't really seem to be the cold calculating Psychopath you claim to be" or "You aren't all that different from a self-absorbed teenager" they will say you are certainly attacking them and that you are crazy and personality deficient. I believe that people in general self-project a lot, but those with Personality Disorders do so immensely. I'm not sure they can help it - many of them cannot fathom that, although they are Super Unique And Special in Every Way, others do not experience the world as they do. Not everyone has Narcissism, Sadistic, or Avoidant tinted glasses on. You cannot be Super Unique And Special In Every Way and also know what everyone's motives are.
I do not intend to stop studying Personality Disorders, although this will certainly take a backseat to other things in my life (being a wife and mother and whatnot.) But I am not enchanted with those who have the disorders. Everyone - no matter how healthy - has characteristics of one or more Personality Disorders, and these tend to come out under stress - but having a diagnosis (or self diagnosis) does not make you special. Do you want a cookie for your behavioral pattern issues? Do you realize that you can't even plead insanity with a Personality Disorder? That's right, motherfucker, you are in control of your behavior. Of course, I do know that, depending on the disorder, there is a lot of grief to be had as far as anxiety, depression, isolation, and that many people with the disorders do not like that they have them. But there are those who turn it into their identity, and the ones who do that have no idea what the world, or other people, are actually like. Sometimes after a conversation, I'm just totally bewildered by some of the things I'm told and asked. Trying to explain empathy (not that I have a lot) or trying to explain emotions to someone who cannot really feel them is like trying to explain color to someone who sees black and white. Sorry sir but getting offended is not going to make me "admit" that I don't know how to socialize or how to relate to others. I refuse to let such people make me question my own sanity - and trust me, people, if anyone can make you question your own reality, it's people who are out of touch with it.
If you are familiar with my usual content, you know I study personality disorders, especially those in the more dangerous category. In the last 9 months, I have continued to study and write about such, but I have certainly become disenchanted with the individuals themselves. I talk to many. I now understand one reason therapists are not allowed to be "friends" with their patients. When I announced the pregnancy, peoples true colors began to really shine through (as does everyones when there are issues of birth, weddings, death etc) and those with Personality Disorders were no different. Reactions ranged from being annoyed and hateful that I wouldn't be able to donate as much time to them, to asking me why I wasn't going to get an abortion, to concerns about the fact that I wouldn't be thin anymore (and I'm not - I'm huge, but its temporary and it's none of anyones business.) It was a bit frazzling. Most assumed that I was also personality deficit in some way - unable to really be a parent or handle pregnancy. Some of them outright attacked me, or if I expressed annoyance with certain things (like being asked why I didn't get an abortion) the attitude was that I was the one with a personality hangup - not them.
I quickly realized (not that I did not know already) that many Personality Disordered individuals find themselves EXTREMELY FUCKING INTERESTING, especially if they are Cluster B or have paranoid tendencies. They can talk about each tiny detail of their emotional or mental landscape for hours - do not dare try to talk about yourself or they will tell you they are not interested or they will be accusational, projecting their own traits onto you until you just shut up so they can return to talking about themselves. And if you even begin to think about telling them "This is Narcissism, you don't really seem to be the cold calculating Psychopath you claim to be" or "You aren't all that different from a self-absorbed teenager" they will say you are certainly attacking them and that you are crazy and personality deficient. I believe that people in general self-project a lot, but those with Personality Disorders do so immensely. I'm not sure they can help it - many of them cannot fathom that, although they are Super Unique And Special in Every Way, others do not experience the world as they do. Not everyone has Narcissism, Sadistic, or Avoidant tinted glasses on. You cannot be Super Unique And Special In Every Way and also know what everyone's motives are.
I do not intend to stop studying Personality Disorders, although this will certainly take a backseat to other things in my life (being a wife and mother and whatnot.) But I am not enchanted with those who have the disorders. Everyone - no matter how healthy - has characteristics of one or more Personality Disorders, and these tend to come out under stress - but having a diagnosis (or self diagnosis) does not make you special. Do you want a cookie for your behavioral pattern issues? Do you realize that you can't even plead insanity with a Personality Disorder? That's right, motherfucker, you are in control of your behavior. Of course, I do know that, depending on the disorder, there is a lot of grief to be had as far as anxiety, depression, isolation, and that many people with the disorders do not like that they have them. But there are those who turn it into their identity, and the ones who do that have no idea what the world, or other people, are actually like. Sometimes after a conversation, I'm just totally bewildered by some of the things I'm told and asked. Trying to explain empathy (not that I have a lot) or trying to explain emotions to someone who cannot really feel them is like trying to explain color to someone who sees black and white. Sorry sir but getting offended is not going to make me "admit" that I don't know how to socialize or how to relate to others. I refuse to let such people make me question my own sanity - and trust me, people, if anyone can make you question your own reality, it's people who are out of touch with it.
I used to talk to you via Youtube mail, that was over a year ago, and I have noticed that you have stopped using Youtube. Is there another way to get in contact with you assuming you're still up for wanting to chat?
ReplyDeleteMost people contact me through email at jess_ends@hotmail.com or through Facebook with the name Jessi Endsley Ritter
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