Human Connection and Freedom of Self - Are You Worth The Time?

Many a therapist, including one I greatly respect, have told me in all my Aspergian glory that I need friends. I need people. We are social animals - this is fact. But let me explain to you why, despite my reaching out, I cannot fucking do it, despite a very slight human urge for a social life; it would be nice to have people I share secrets with that I do not only know online. I have a constellation of people that I love and who know more about my than the people who know me face to face.
They're blinded to me. They want to bind me to what they believe I am supposed to be. Online, with my friends, I am free, and so are they. That's how we found each other; my youtube (dizzydollie7) dedicated entirely to what I am outside and inside this body; my mind, thoughts, obsessions, and desires for others like me. Forums for those with similar issues.
We exchange thoughts and it is a constellation of support that I never have had in real life. It's much less alone than sitting around people who see a mask I didn't even create. In words, I find freedom, and I believe they do too, even if it takes some of my friends a long time to free themselves.

I put myself out there, as I was told to do in order to develop a real-life social network outside of "husband and baby." As wonderful as a family is, we are busy, we are separate, and we are not the same at all. So, I say, hey - want to come chill and help me with the baby after my surgery?
And a motherfucker agrees and then does not show up nor does she text to say she is not going to show up.
I invite whoever to come watch some movies with me on Halloween with my baby and have some drinks. No takers. Get invited to a party- and despite the fact I'm healing from surgery with no help, I say okay. BUT OH NO SHE CAN'T DRIVE HERSELF TO THE PARTY? WHY?
Well, because I can't drive on highways yet. I want to learn. I'm a small town girl. I used the bus in NYC. Even that was sensory hell. It is dangerous. You are concerned I don't have a car yet you're unwilling to swing by and pick me up. Okay. I am staying home and you won't be blessed with my goddamn presence.

My birthday is November 8th, and I would not mind company at a bar or for someone to go with me to somewhere new. I'm actually pretty fun. I am adventurous. But I have a hard time getting around in a big city like Austin.. I have a few friends from a dinner group who I would spend time with but who are rightfully busy am I. If I am going to have Asperger's and "lack empathy" could I not also have a lazy amygdala and not be quite riddled with anxiety? Not social anxiety - the kind that shows up whenever it wants and throws images through my brain, awake or asleep. Trying to explain why I need to run into a quiet space - hopefully not a bathroom - looks dramatic when I female does it. But I love my own company and I will gladly go to a bar alone, but what would my old therapist say?
 I have some great friends who are sending me a present, and I'll have some beer, and I'll have a new tattoo to mark the end of my self abuse. I'll be happy. Online, but alone.

I am the most tolerant intolerant person I have met. Everyone, as of late, seems to think "opinions" are something they are entitled to when they are indeed "facts" that they refuse to accept. This is horrid to me. There are so many things we don't know about the human mind. There are so many things we don't know about the way human beings connect to one another, especially if they are on the spectrum. When I say "the spectrum" I mean the Autistic Spectrum. And oh golly gee do we attract some of the most enigmatic Psychopaths. And they, too, are on their own Spectrum. But I would rather deal with a rational, intelligent human being with low empathy than a person who walks into a room and feels everyone's emotions and then makes their decisions based on those emotions. Especially if in involves treating me like shit. I don't need your empathy as much as I need your cognitive desire to understand and accept what I am.

Don't try and teach me "normal." 

I say what I think if you ask. This often leads to projected emotions onto what is a blank canvas. You asked, you were told. You put the information out there, I respond. If you cannot handle a response, keep your thoughts to yourself. It is exhausting. Friends worthy of my time - friends worthy of my mind, who do not think all of life is highschool theatrics. Until then, I remain a human and inherently social, but I'll do it from afar until their comes a friend or friends who accept the entirety of who I am.
Because I have. And I'm fabulous. And others are too.