Tuesday, July 9, 2013

A Rare Moment

I see a therapist. I have since I was 14 off and on. This isn't because I have many "issues" as much as I need to be able to talk to a (supposedly) objective third party with knowledge of the mind - someone on my level.
Yes that was cocky.
But it was true.

Anyhow...Since as a teenager, I did have issues, and I've jumped from counselor to counselor looking for intelligence. I have a new one since the one I liked moved on with a job opportunity, and I like this new one she chose for me as well. At first, she was taken aback by how blunt I am and how I do understand what is going on with my own mind. 

My therapist was originally bit surprised that people don't like me. 

Out of all those years, this is the first day I believe any emotion was expressed. Part of the issue with my diagnosis and why I wasn't discovered to have Aspergers Syndrome until I was 20 is that I am female and therefore, the Autistic Spectrum is the last place they look. So they looked to the next closest thing that could make me have a flat-affect - I don't show emotion in my face/look sad, but score low in depression. They're thinking "she looks like she has a mood disorder, but she's not depressed on the test," and then they see that I am not only flat-affect but I'm also weird. Being that I am extremely introverted, socially awkward, and prone to ritual, they come to the conclusion that I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder. 
It's not as bad as it sounds, here, I'll explain, with symptoms I exhibit or exhibited as a teenager bolded:

  • Being a loner and lacking close friends outside of the immediate family
  • Incorrect interpretation of events, including feeling that external events have personal meaning
  • Peculiar, eccentric or unusual thinking, beliefs or behavior
  • Dressing in peculiar ways
  • Belief in special powers, such as telepathy
  • Perceptual alterations, in some cases bodily illusions, including phantom pains or other distortions in the sense of touch
  • Persistent and excessive social anxiety
  • Peculiar style of speech, such as loose or vague patterns of speaking or rambling oddly and endlessly during conversations
  • Suspicious or paranoid ideas, hypersensitivity, and constant doubts about the loyalty and fidelity of others
  • Flat emotions, or limited or inappropriate emotional responses
  • Fear of eye contact.
Wow that's a lot. But here's the Aspergers list. Symptoms that I exhibit and are the same as Schizotypal will be bold AND italices, ones that I simply exhibit will be bold:

Speech and language peculiarities
Overformal speech
Taking everything literally
Word repetition (echolalia)
Long monologues
Inappropriate remarks
Inability to take turns talking
Inability to listen to others
Poor eye contact
Speaking without any pitch or tone
Unable to recognize figure of speech or sarcasm
Difficulty initiating conversation
Flat, cheerless demeanor
Loud voice
Doesn’t respond to name very well 
Social withdrawal
Lack of interest in other people
Eccentric personality
Preoccupied with their own agenda
Socially non-adapted personality
Urge to correct people in their speech or behavior
Limited interests
Unusual preoccupations
Need for sameness
Repetitive routines or rituals
Engages in highly repetitive play
Excellent rote memory
Lack of empathy
Inflexible thinking
Lack of imagination
Rigid thinking
Lack of make-believe or imitative play
Fear of changes 

Look at that. I have most of the symptoms of both, but I have so many Autistic symptoms that if you took away the gender factor, and the diagnosis would be easy. So I am diagnosed with both and technically this is valid because I do exhibit so much of the Schizotypal symptoms, but I have more symptoms that the Schizo-Spectrum cannot account for.

And I find it funny that just now I realized that psychological research was not the intention of this bog entry - something personal was. And that right there verifies my Aspergers more than any neurologist ever has, my officialy documents of being an Aspie and all. 

Anyway - the emotion I expressed for maybe 6 seconds today in my therapy session was a distressed one. What was I discussing?
She wanted to know why I can't connect to people. I say it's because they're like filler-lines in a book, like movie extras. This, according to her, is because I don't talk and allow others in. She wonders why I don't talk because I clearly have a lot to say (look at this blog and how much I talk to her plus my youtube) and that's when I had my moment of facial expression and said "Because no one listens." She decided I need to be around intellectuals and get out of this town (I've been told this by other doctors) who will listen to me because, according to her, people should like me for various reasons.

So yeah. This is a blog entry about an Aspie having a 6 second emotional moment about people talking over her and not understanding what she's talking about.


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