Today I feel aware.Over the early part of 2013 and during what I'll call my "celebrity meltdown" I became very intrigued by the separation I feel between myself and other people. They feel it between themselves and me, too - it's not one sided. I'm not going to attribute it to any diagnosis today, I'm just going to call it was it is - a chasm.
Today is the 4th of July and this is a day that America is supposed to socialize with friends and family and party and eat. Get drunk. Pop firecrackers. That kind of thing. This kind of holiday, for me, is a lot like the way I feel towards a sunny day - I feel like the universe is pressuring me to socialize. And when it doesn't happen on holidays, that gap between me and everyone else is much larger.
First of all, I'm alone. I'm inside writing and eating cake frosting, listening to my soundtrack. Family is removed from this picture.
Second of all, patriotism is the hope of the zombies. [and another reason I'm separated from others is that I think this way.]
Third of all, I don't get it. Something they have, I don't. It's not that I really have a desire nor is it fun for me to participate in a lot of what's going on [although I really want some beer right now] but the knowledge that I don't connect. I was still wired, like any homo-sapien, to be some degree of a social creature.
Frustrating is what we call this.
Dizzy
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